Me vs. the Civil War

I'll be honest. I may have two history degrees under my belt, and I do really enjoy military history. But, I really don't like Civil War history (I dislike it as passionately as many people love it). Yes, it's important... I don't want to make it seem like it isn't.

But, the last time I really had to learn Civil War history was in 8th grade (I was a TA for the only other class that covered it, and given that I was grading, I don't count that- nor do I count projects for graduate school that were Civil War related). How do you make it through college as a history major without taking a class that covers the Civil War? Simple. My college required students to take 1 of 3 classes from "Group A": Colonial/ Revolutionary, 19th Century (Civil War), and Europe and the World in the 20th Century. I love World War II history, so I naturally chose the last option. I ended up eventually taking the Colonial/ Revolutionary class as well.

I think what bothers me the most about it are the fanatics (oh, I know... there are WWII fanatics as well, I just don't come in contact with them as much). With an issue as divisive as the Civil War is, everyone has a very specific idea of what the Civil War was about. Do you have any idea what I would give for 2 people to agree about what the Civil War was about? Let's look at how World War I was explained to me (oh thank you Dr. Berry): NIPA. Also known as Nationalism, Imperialism, Population Growth, Alliances.

World War II isn't much different... after World War I is over, the armistice creates a world which blames Germany for pretty much causing the war and forces Germany to pay reparations that can't possibly be paid off. Add to this a worldwide depression and other issues, plus some charismatic leaders with ideas of how to pull countries out of these awful situations (no matter how dark and dastardly) and you get World War II. Oh sure, I've simplified it, and I'm sure you can simplify the Civil War to this extent, but how many people are going to agree on that? You've got the South which is often so desperate to point out that the Civil War wasn't about slavery (I'll bite my tongue here), and then you've got the North so desperate to point out that they were pro-abolition (again, no comments), and both sides trying to point out inconsistencies with the other's argument.

What inspired this stream of consciousness about the Civil War was two articles posted by AASLH's Twitter feed. One was the New York Times, and one was an article from AASLH's magazine. The New York Times article made me sad about living in the South (something I typically am proud of, despite the history). Holding a Secession Ball? Having a mock- swearing in of Jefferson Davis? The words running through my mind are words that I wouldn't dream of speaking out loud (or typing here for everyone to see). It was bad enough holding a Centennial event at a segregated hotel. Folks, it's been 50 years, let's prove that we've learned something for the Sesquicentennial. Don't romanticize this. Tell both sides of the story. Think about how different communities might feel about these events. Yeah, it's going to take some effort. It's going to require thinking. But if I'm going to be dragged into learning more about the Civil War during the Sesquicentennial for my job, you need to step it up too for your events. Don't embarrass us all.

This is me swallowing my pride

Every now and then (ok, so probably 2/3 of the year), I'm hit by certain songs that have lines (or the entire lyrics) that hit just a little too close to home. Right now, I'm thinking it's probably my entire playlist. I'm going to be vague to protect myself (and maybe others), but I felt pushed to post it.

This is me swallowing my pride [standing in front of you] saying I'm sorry for that night...
Let's be honest. No matter how much I've thought about apologizing, I'm probably never going to (at least not to your face, which is why I bracketed the "standing in front of you" part). You deserved it awhile ago... no use in making things even more awkward now. But in my head, every time I hear this line/ song, I think of you and how I should have swallowed my own pride back then (and trusted you) and explained why I acted the way I did. Maybe then you would at least understand, and I would have made an attempt instead of running away from it. So this is your apology, even though you won't see this.

Take what you want, steal my pride/ Build me up or cut me down to size/ Shut me out but I'll just scream/ I'm only one voice in a million/ But you ain't taking that from me...
Why, oh why (oh whyo?) was this song not out 3 years ago? I could have used this one in my back pocket for moments when I should have stood up for myself. Ok, so it probably wouldn't have helped. I would have still been stomped all over which would have had the same domino effect for the past 3 years that I still deal with.

So far away from where you are/ I'm standing underneath the stars/ And I wish you were here.
I don't know who you are yet. I wish I did. I wish you were here though. But I'm guessing (hoping) that the wait is worth it all. Besides, I'm selfish and tired of dealing with questions of whether or not I'm bringing a date to events and when am I ever going to get married (I've gotten these questions multiple times- it's a little tiresome). I'll make a deal with you- I'll try to get out more, and maybe you can appear sometime soon?

Don't let your life forget to forgive what it has done,/ Don't let it take the love left inside you/ Let me comfort you...
I have a really difficult time forgetting certain things. If you ever see me randomly flinch... something has reminded me of a sore point in my life (I still occasionally flinch about middle school things). Crazy, I know, which is why I think I react so strongly to the first lyrics that I posted. I can't forget (and usually can't forgive) myself for some of the most ridiculous things. I should take these lyrics to heart more often.

Suffice it to say, we're leaving things unsaid.../ A hundred thousand words could not quite explain...
That's right. My blog title comes from lyrics. There's no way I could ever put in words the perfect explanation for why I feel the way that I do. Nor should I! Creates a bit of mystery about me, right? Sure, I should lower my walls more. I should forgive myself more and find some way to forget all the stupid stuff from the past. It's only making me too guarded. But until I figure all that out, it will all remain unsaid.

It goes on and on and on and on...

It's been awhile since I've updated. Work has been crazy, working a fundraiser, a week's worth of ghost tours, and opening an exhibit all in the course of 3 weeks. I did manage to update the work blog though... so at least that's something.

This job has its very interesting moments. I've met some very interesting people throughout the way. As it was just pointed out to me, a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to imagine ever meeting in my life. Mayors, commissioners (state and local), state senators, former ambassadors, etc... who could have imagined that? I'm a dork, and I get excited by this though. Kinda reminds me about my geekout moment at Ft. Campbell when the soldier asked me if I wanted to ride in the big truck. "Are you serious?? I'd love to!!!"

Other than work, there's not much else to report on. I pretty much have only had time to eat, watch tv, and sleep at home! Preparing for lots of upcoming field trips coming through work, and several vacation/ comp days in December. It's no wonder I want November to just go ahead and speed through!!