Every now and then (ok, so probably 2/3 of the year), I'm hit by certain songs that have lines (or the entire lyrics) that hit just a little too close to home. Right now, I'm thinking it's probably my entire playlist. I'm going to be vague to protect myself (and maybe others), but I felt pushed to post it.
This is me swallowing my pride [standing in front of you] saying I'm sorry for that night...
Let's be honest. No matter how much I've thought about apologizing, I'm probably never going to (at least not to your face, which is why I bracketed the "standing in front of you" part). You deserved it awhile ago... no use in making things even more awkward now. But in my head, every time I hear this line/ song, I think of you and how I should have swallowed my own pride back then (and trusted you) and explained why I acted the way I did. Maybe then you would at least understand, and I would have made an attempt instead of running away from it. So this is your apology, even though you won't see this.
Take what you want, steal my pride/ Build me up or cut me down to size/ Shut me out but I'll just scream/ I'm only one voice in a million/ But you ain't taking that from me...
Why, oh why (oh whyo?) was this song not out 3 years ago? I could have used this one in my back pocket for moments when I should have stood up for myself. Ok, so it probably wouldn't have helped. I would have still been stomped all over which would have had the same domino effect for the past 3 years that I still deal with.
So far away from where you are/ I'm standing underneath the stars/ And I wish you were here.
I don't know who you are yet. I wish I did. I wish you were here though. But I'm guessing (hoping) that the wait is worth it all. Besides, I'm selfish and tired of dealing with questions of whether or not I'm bringing a date to events and when am I ever going to get married (I've gotten these questions multiple times- it's a little tiresome). I'll make a deal with you- I'll try to get out more, and maybe you can appear sometime soon?
Don't let your life forget to forgive what it has done,/ Don't let it take the love left inside you/ Let me comfort you...
I have a really difficult time forgetting certain things. If you ever see me randomly flinch... something has reminded me of a sore point in my life (I still occasionally flinch about middle school things). Crazy, I know, which is why I think I react so strongly to the first lyrics that I posted. I can't forget (and usually can't forgive) myself for some of the most ridiculous things. I should take these lyrics to heart more often.
Suffice it to say, we're leaving things unsaid.../ A hundred thousand words could not quite explain...
That's right. My blog title comes from lyrics. There's no way I could ever put in words the perfect explanation for why I feel the way that I do. Nor should I! Creates a bit of mystery about me, right? Sure, I should lower my walls more. I should forgive myself more and find some way to forget all the stupid stuff from the past. It's only making me too guarded. But until I figure all that out, it will all remain unsaid.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
It goes on and on and on and on...
It's been awhile since I've updated. Work has been crazy, working a fundraiser, a week's worth of ghost tours, and opening an exhibit all in the course of 3 weeks. I did manage to update the work blog though... so at least that's something.
This job has its very interesting moments. I've met some very interesting people throughout the way. As it was just pointed out to me, a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to imagine ever meeting in my life. Mayors, commissioners (state and local), state senators, former ambassadors, etc... who could have imagined that? I'm a dork, and I get excited by this though. Kinda reminds me about my geekout moment at Ft. Campbell when the soldier asked me if I wanted to ride in the big truck. "Are you serious?? I'd love to!!!"
Other than work, there's not much else to report on. I pretty much have only had time to eat, watch tv, and sleep at home! Preparing for lots of upcoming field trips coming through work, and several vacation/ comp days in December. It's no wonder I want November to just go ahead and speed through!!
This job has its very interesting moments. I've met some very interesting people throughout the way. As it was just pointed out to me, a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to imagine ever meeting in my life. Mayors, commissioners (state and local), state senators, former ambassadors, etc... who could have imagined that? I'm a dork, and I get excited by this though. Kinda reminds me about my geekout moment at Ft. Campbell when the soldier asked me if I wanted to ride in the big truck. "Are you serious?? I'd love to!!!"
Other than work, there's not much else to report on. I pretty much have only had time to eat, watch tv, and sleep at home! Preparing for lots of upcoming field trips coming through work, and several vacation/ comp days in December. It's no wonder I want November to just go ahead and speed through!!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Cougar? Try again.
So, I'm always talking about my age and how it's an issue that I look so much younger. Well, I at least look old enough for an 18 year old boy to hit on me. No, I'm not proud of this.
I just went out to lunch with one of my best friends, her husband and two small children, and her husband's former student (a soon-to-be freshman at some college who played rugby for him). Now, let me explain that since I met her husband, he's been trying to set me up with just about anyone he can think of. This includes today, and this former student.
So Matt keeps joking that I could date this kid, and kid doesn't seem too opposed to it (naturally, I just roll my eyes and focus on my friend and the babies). And as Matt was leaving from lunch early with the kid, he tells me that he's going to give him my phone number (which thankfully Matt doesn't actually have). Kid then tells me that it's ok to be a cougar, and asks if I'm into younger men. I shake my head no (trying my hardest to not burst out laughing at the absurdity of this conversation), and then the kid says, "Oh, come on! Younger men have more stamina." I'm pleased to say that I made it into my car before I burst out laughing, despite all this.
Thanks kid, for making my week with that comment.
I just went out to lunch with one of my best friends, her husband and two small children, and her husband's former student (a soon-to-be freshman at some college who played rugby for him). Now, let me explain that since I met her husband, he's been trying to set me up with just about anyone he can think of. This includes today, and this former student.
So Matt keeps joking that I could date this kid, and kid doesn't seem too opposed to it (naturally, I just roll my eyes and focus on my friend and the babies). And as Matt was leaving from lunch early with the kid, he tells me that he's going to give him my phone number (which thankfully Matt doesn't actually have). Kid then tells me that it's ok to be a cougar, and asks if I'm into younger men. I shake my head no (trying my hardest to not burst out laughing at the absurdity of this conversation), and then the kid says, "Oh, come on! Younger men have more stamina." I'm pleased to say that I made it into my car before I burst out laughing, despite all this.
Thanks kid, for making my week with that comment.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Is this more than you bargained for yet?
Music likes to play games with my head.
About 3 times this week on my way home from work, I've heard "Sugar, We're Goin Down" by Fall Out Boy. First line is "Am I more than you bargained for yet?" and later it repeats with "Is this more than you bargained for yet?"
Well, today I figured out why it's intrigued me all week- because this week I've been asking myself that very question. There isn't one particular point from the week that I can say was particularly bad, but the week just drained me. This week isn't what I bargained for at all. I try to start one project and get pulled away to do a job that falls under the "and other duties as needed" part of my job description. I work on that for awhile, start another job that falls under my actual job duties, only to be pulled away again. I come back, stare at the computer trying to figure out what on earth I should be doing, and then the next thing happens. On top of all this, we gave 3 tours between Tuesday and Thursday, and today, when our intern had to go home sick with a bad cold and the director and I had to cover the afternoon tours, we gave 5. Thankfully, she was wonderful enough to give one tour before leaving, then I gave 2 in a row, then came back from the 2nd tour to discover another one ready to start the next tour. On top of being nice enough to give that tour so that I could eat lunch (at 2pm), the director also had a sweet tea waiting on me (without asking if I wanted one). Yes, I am a strong believer that sweet tea makes life a little better. I gave one more tour after that one. Overall the tours went well- I'm getting more confident in giving it, and I'm learning things while on the tours (on more than one occasion, a visitor has told me something about an object that I knew nothing about).
This week was more than I bargained for, but I'm going to try again next week- see if I can't figure out a way to surge past this feeling.
About 3 times this week on my way home from work, I've heard "Sugar, We're Goin Down" by Fall Out Boy. First line is "Am I more than you bargained for yet?" and later it repeats with "Is this more than you bargained for yet?"
Well, today I figured out why it's intrigued me all week- because this week I've been asking myself that very question. There isn't one particular point from the week that I can say was particularly bad, but the week just drained me. This week isn't what I bargained for at all. I try to start one project and get pulled away to do a job that falls under the "and other duties as needed" part of my job description. I work on that for awhile, start another job that falls under my actual job duties, only to be pulled away again. I come back, stare at the computer trying to figure out what on earth I should be doing, and then the next thing happens. On top of all this, we gave 3 tours between Tuesday and Thursday, and today, when our intern had to go home sick with a bad cold and the director and I had to cover the afternoon tours, we gave 5. Thankfully, she was wonderful enough to give one tour before leaving, then I gave 2 in a row, then came back from the 2nd tour to discover another one ready to start the next tour. On top of being nice enough to give that tour so that I could eat lunch (at 2pm), the director also had a sweet tea waiting on me (without asking if I wanted one). Yes, I am a strong believer that sweet tea makes life a little better. I gave one more tour after that one. Overall the tours went well- I'm getting more confident in giving it, and I'm learning things while on the tours (on more than one occasion, a visitor has told me something about an object that I knew nothing about).
This week was more than I bargained for, but I'm going to try again next week- see if I can't figure out a way to surge past this feeling.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
... And then keep going.
In 2004, there was a show on tv called Jack & Bobby- which I really enjoyed. It was about two brothers in present day, with documentary snippets from the 2040s following one of the brother's time as the President. Well, the show has finally made it onto Netflix Instant Play (hurray!) and I was reminded of this great speech from the second episode. Jack and Bobby's mother, a college professor, gave this speech at the university's Moonlight Address, and I thought I should share it here.
Good evening. I want to welcome you tonight to... a renaissance.
For some of you this night marks a return to your college life, for some of you a new beginning. And so, upon the eve of the tremendous journey upon which you are all embarking, I'd like to offer you a thought to take with you. Listen carefully: you will fail here. All of you. College is not the culmination of your high school career. It is the beginning of your adult life. Only it is a slow, sweet beginning that feels nothing like what life and all the attending obligations will eventually bring. So fail here... this is your chance.
Do things you know you can't do, or think you can't do but hope in your deepest most secret hidden heart that you can.
Be bad at things. Be embarrassed. Be vulnerable. Go out on a limb. Or two. Or twelve.
The harder you fall, the farther you'll rise. And the louder you fail, the clearer the distant bell of your future will ring. Failure is a gift. Welcome it. There are people who spend their lives wondering how they became the people they became, how certain chances passed them by and why they didn't take the road less traveled. Those people are not you.
You have the front-row seat to your own transformation. And in transforming yourself, you might just transform the world. Believe that, and embrace the new person you're becoming. This is your moment. Now. Not ten minutes from now, not tomorrow, really now. Know that, truly in your bones, and wake up each morning remembering it. And then keep going.
Good evening. I want to welcome you tonight to... a renaissance.
For some of you this night marks a return to your college life, for some of you a new beginning. And so, upon the eve of the tremendous journey upon which you are all embarking, I'd like to offer you a thought to take with you. Listen carefully: you will fail here. All of you. College is not the culmination of your high school career. It is the beginning of your adult life. Only it is a slow, sweet beginning that feels nothing like what life and all the attending obligations will eventually bring. So fail here... this is your chance.
Do things you know you can't do, or think you can't do but hope in your deepest most secret hidden heart that you can.
Be bad at things. Be embarrassed. Be vulnerable. Go out on a limb. Or two. Or twelve.
The harder you fall, the farther you'll rise. And the louder you fail, the clearer the distant bell of your future will ring. Failure is a gift. Welcome it. There are people who spend their lives wondering how they became the people they became, how certain chances passed them by and why they didn't take the road less traveled. Those people are not you.
You have the front-row seat to your own transformation. And in transforming yourself, you might just transform the world. Believe that, and embrace the new person you're becoming. This is your moment. Now. Not ten minutes from now, not tomorrow, really now. Know that, truly in your bones, and wake up each morning remembering it. And then keep going.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Job
So, I'm terrible at updating.
After 6.5 months without a job, I finally got one. I am the education coordinator for a historic house museum now, and I'm currently finishing my 4th week of work. And let me just tell you... it's been intense (I've already racked up more than 2 days flex time). I've had some really great experiences so far, and some experiences that if I/we learn from them, that's about the only positive thing that could come from the situation. The director is new too (started a whole 5 days before me), and we get along really well (which is likely the best thing EVER). We've already made some big changes to the site and have plans for MAJOR changes to hopefully happen soon (I say hopefully so that I might have an office that doesn't double as the storage closet in the near future- windows might be nice too). The other great news is that the board has faith in us both, and is letting us make these changes. It's nice when they walk in and tell us how happy they are that they made the decision they did to hire us both.
Another great thing about this job is all the help I've been able to get from contacts at other museums in the area. Everything from getting rid of exhibit cases, to help with dealing with drama on Facebook, to offering to help with our gift shop- it's been great. Nice to know that the museum community in the area is so open to sharing information & helping out.
One thing that has me confused though is that one board member has mentioned several times to me how nice and professional I look. What were they expecting me to wear? Sweats or old jeans? Plus, dressing professionally makes me look closer to my actual age (which is always a plus). Of course, on the one Saturday that I've already been called in to work (last minute, therefore didn't have the willpower to find really professional clothing), I was told that I look like I'm old enough to be one woman's 11-year-old granddaughter. Boy was she shocked to hear that I'm old enough to have a master's degree. And just today, I was asked by a 30-something city worker how old I am. Granted, he didn't tell me how old he thought I was, but instead told me that 25 is young. This seems like the biggest win so far, as far as being asked how old I am... no other comments were made!
In other jobs news, I'm about to start training one intern next Tuesday, our current intern (who I just realized was an intern last week) leaves us in 2 weeks, and another person has sent me an email requesting an internship. It's so crazy, since I was just the one interning... and now I'm the one training/ mentoring? Weird.
After 6.5 months without a job, I finally got one. I am the education coordinator for a historic house museum now, and I'm currently finishing my 4th week of work. And let me just tell you... it's been intense (I've already racked up more than 2 days flex time). I've had some really great experiences so far, and some experiences that if I/we learn from them, that's about the only positive thing that could come from the situation. The director is new too (started a whole 5 days before me), and we get along really well (which is likely the best thing EVER). We've already made some big changes to the site and have plans for MAJOR changes to hopefully happen soon (I say hopefully so that I might have an office that doesn't double as the storage closet in the near future- windows might be nice too). The other great news is that the board has faith in us both, and is letting us make these changes. It's nice when they walk in and tell us how happy they are that they made the decision they did to hire us both.
Another great thing about this job is all the help I've been able to get from contacts at other museums in the area. Everything from getting rid of exhibit cases, to help with dealing with drama on Facebook, to offering to help with our gift shop- it's been great. Nice to know that the museum community in the area is so open to sharing information & helping out.
One thing that has me confused though is that one board member has mentioned several times to me how nice and professional I look. What were they expecting me to wear? Sweats or old jeans? Plus, dressing professionally makes me look closer to my actual age (which is always a plus). Of course, on the one Saturday that I've already been called in to work (last minute, therefore didn't have the willpower to find really professional clothing), I was told that I look like I'm old enough to be one woman's 11-year-old granddaughter. Boy was she shocked to hear that I'm old enough to have a master's degree. And just today, I was asked by a 30-something city worker how old I am. Granted, he didn't tell me how old he thought I was, but instead told me that 25 is young. This seems like the biggest win so far, as far as being asked how old I am... no other comments were made!
In other jobs news, I'm about to start training one intern next Tuesday, our current intern (who I just realized was an intern last week) leaves us in 2 weeks, and another person has sent me an email requesting an internship. It's so crazy, since I was just the one interning... and now I'm the one training/ mentoring? Weird.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
"Is this your daughter?"
So, as I'm sure you've all heard me complain, I look young for my age. Whatever. This story takes the cake. I'm pretty sure in this case, it offends my friend more than it offends me.
I'm a certified track official, and I'm currently training to work database for road races in the area. A girl who looks a lot like me (has the same hair color, so therefore we must be related... at least that's what people think) and is two years older than me works both and is currently training me for the database system. Usually the worst we get is being called each other's names. Last Saturday, I was working a road race and a vendor came up to her as we were walking and asked, "Is this your daughter?" Lindsey said, "Are you kidding me? She's 2 years younger than me." It's not even the first time that this vendor has seen Lindsey before. The vendor quickly responded, "Oh you know. I meant 'sister.'"
Lindsey: "Yeah. That's not what you said."
Luckily for me, it was so early that I didn't even hear the vendor make the first comment- my only thoughts were on the free Italian ice samples ahead (it was 8am and I'd already been awake for 3 hours. Cut me some slack).
Lesson: I guess it's true and you should always assume that someone is younger than they look. And never ask if someone is your daughter- always make a mom happy and ask if it's your sister even if there is a major age difference. Saves a lot of hurt feelings.
I'm a certified track official, and I'm currently training to work database for road races in the area. A girl who looks a lot like me (has the same hair color, so therefore we must be related... at least that's what people think) and is two years older than me works both and is currently training me for the database system. Usually the worst we get is being called each other's names. Last Saturday, I was working a road race and a vendor came up to her as we were walking and asked, "Is this your daughter?" Lindsey said, "Are you kidding me? She's 2 years younger than me." It's not even the first time that this vendor has seen Lindsey before. The vendor quickly responded, "Oh you know. I meant 'sister.'"
Lindsey: "Yeah. That's not what you said."
Luckily for me, it was so early that I didn't even hear the vendor make the first comment- my only thoughts were on the free Italian ice samples ahead (it was 8am and I'd already been awake for 3 hours. Cut me some slack).
Lesson: I guess it's true and you should always assume that someone is younger than they look. And never ask if someone is your daughter- always make a mom happy and ask if it's your sister even if there is a major age difference. Saves a lot of hurt feelings.
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