I will find my way, I can go the distance

I love quotes. I think I've shared several here before. When I was thinking of what I was going to post here before I logged in, I had several in mind. And then I saw the quote I have in the corner: "Finding one's own peace is no small task." One of my former professors said that during a lecture, and it stuck with me... just like it's changed the direction of this post.
Not going to lie. Life has been rough lately (although to seem less pessimistic, I will point out that there have been several good moments also), so finding my peace has been next to impossible. We put my 16-year-old dog to sleep almost two months ago (the one I was worried we were going to have to put to sleep a year ago, so at least he had an extra year?) Around the same time, I found out that one of my great-uncles has stage 4 cancer in two places. A week later, my grandfather was taken to the hospital for mini-strokes (and then to a rehabilitation facility). He just returned this week, and it's the first I've seen him since he left town (he was out of town when the strokes happened). While all of this was happening, I was working 6-day weeks (with one exception- the weekend after putting my dog to sleep, I had off). That made it too difficult to go visit him out of state. To top it all off, there have been a few other insane stress situations that have wormed their way into my life (like when my car magically didn't want to start... thankfully it is still under warranty for 1500 more miles or until May, whichever comes first).
It was nice to get a break from everything for a little while. I was in a wedding (#4), and despite knowing only one person other than the bride before the wedding, left the wedding feeling like I'd made lots of friends (even if I won't see them again). Then I left the wedding, skipped returning home to go to the beach with family members. Definitely the best way to get out of the winter doldrums.
Now that I've returned home though, I have to come back to reality and really think through some decisions, which could mean major changes in my life. It's hard to find peace when so many things aren't up to you. [And now to end this with a quote:] However, "I will find my way, I can go the distance. I don't care how far, somehow I'll be strong. I know every mile will be worth my while, I would go most anywhere to find where I belong."

Update

Checkers has improved enough that we are no longer discussing putting him to sleep! He's still not completely back to himself, but he is recovering very well, and could be back to 100% by the end of the week if it was vertigo or vestibular/vestigular (sp?).
Also, I have a phone interview set up for Tuesday!

Bring on the rain (although I am going to cry)

It's been a rough end of the week here at my house.

About a month ago, my dad took my dog to the vet for his yearly check-up. As Checkers is now 15.5, my dad started questioning how we'd know when it's time for us to let him go. The vet said that Checkers would let us know- but that he was looking great (other than hearing/sight loss and arthritis, he acts and looks younger than he is).

Yesterday morning, my parents let him out before going to work. Normally, Checkers then sleeps from when my mom leaves for work until his 6th sense kicks in and he knows that I am eating. However, yesterday, he woke up around 10am and I could hear him struggling to get out of the bed. I went to check on him, and he pretty much fell out of the bed. And then he couldn't walk very far without falling. By very far, I mean that he made it from my parents room to my door- all of about 10-15 feet. I called my parents, explained what was happening. A little later, he decided that he wanted to be downstairs, so he went down the stairs, falling every so often. He continued to get worse as the day went on, eventually causing me to call my parents a final time and them both leaving work. By that point, he had a definite lean and as my dad noticed, his eyes weren't focusing at all. We all took him to the vet and were convinced that was going to be it. However, the vet told us pretty much immediately that Checkers has vertigo. Yes, apparently it isn't even that uncommon for dogs to get vertigo, especially older ones. The biggest problem is that Checkers doesn't appear to have an inner ear infection, and if it isn't that, it's from a stroke or a tumor. And since it came on so quickly, we are guessing it is probably from a stroke. We've tried him on bomine since then, and he's improved some, but it's still so hard to watch him. We don't feel good about his quality of life if he can't be left alone, he's not sleeping well, he has moments where he won't stop panting, he can't go down steps (so must be carried down them), and he looks so confused about what is going on. He hasn't looked happy since Wednesday.

So unless he's had a miraculous evening (I wasn't here), we are probably saying our final goodbyes tomorrow.

Tonight, I did escape from the house. I had tickets to see Jo Dee Messina in the grand opening of the Clayton Center at Maryville- it was awesome (both the Center and the concert). She sang "Bring On The Rain," which is my favorite by her. And thank goodness I was smart enough to not wear eye makeup, because I was holding it together pretty nicely until she sang the line "I'm not gonna cry..." and then the tears started back (much like earlier when I was getting ready and every song on shuffle was determined to set me off: "What Hurts The Most," "Better As A Memory," "I Will Remember You," etc).

So Checkers, if tomorrow is it, thank you for keeping me company for the last few months. I'm not sure how I'll handle the empty house without you. But know that I am going to cry. And if tomorrow isn't it, then I hope you do stick around till 20 like I've been saying. Regardless, I'm NEVER watching Marley & Me again. Ever. Not even the beginning part.

Saturday morning edit: Checkers slept through the night and woke up well. We're going to hold judgment until Monday now!